So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
