Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
