While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
