So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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