Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize