Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
