Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
