and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
