I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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