He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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