So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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