True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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