Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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