I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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