he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
