its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The air taste purple.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
