are you so shy because you have an std?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
