Will you blow on my dice?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
