i permit you to call me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
