I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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