We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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