His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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