Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
