I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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