sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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