Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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