Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
