Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
and she was petting her beer can
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
