dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize