Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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