Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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