I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
