Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
