Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
