After last night, I could never be a politician.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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