I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
