Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
