so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
