I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
