How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
