Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize