ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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