Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
