i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
