What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
