She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
