Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
