Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
