nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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