I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Randomize
