at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
