I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
