ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
