I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
