From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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