I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He felt like a one man threesome
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
