Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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