my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
